Happiness & Grief

Perhaps this isn't the best place for writing about this. I haven't even written it in my scrap journal. Not really. But the thing is, my family is really struggling right now. There has been so much badness happening and I can't help but wonder why. It seems like everytime my family comes out of something bad and we begin to hope that next year will be better, surely next year can't hold worse things than this, that hope is crushed.

I've always believed that if you do good, and try to be the best person you can be, help others, be there for friends and family, and just try to stay positive that eventually goode things will come your way. That's what I've always always believed. I hate to say that my faith in that is shaken but with everything that's happened it just might be.

I guess the badness this year all started with my Grandfather's death. He meant so much to me and still does and always will. Him no longer being around is hard. Even now, though it's been about a year, I still pause and think, my god he's gone. My grandma's world has been turned upside down. She is so incredibly strong, and though I know she must be hurting and I know she misses him everyday more than I will ever know, I still find her to be amazing. With everything she has to go through, she is so amazingly strong. Grandpa always was too. He always gave big bear hugs and when we were little would pick us up all the time. It was hard seeing cancer make him weak and tired because that's never who he was.

Then my mom's health has been on the edge for over a year now. In and out of the hospital. And all the pain she has to deal with on a daily basis. It's a wonder how she does it all. She doesn't always stay positive but she's been more positive than she has in the past. I just feel like all this crap gets dumped on her lap--health, finances, too much. I want to do all I can for her and I try to help her out because I love her and I know it hasn't been easy for her. At the same time I feel guilty for times when I really would rather not arrange what I do around what she needs. I want to do what I want to do but I don't ever mean to make her feel like a burden when it all just comes creeping up on me. I worry about her a lot.

My other grandparents also died this year. Granted, I've never been that close to either of them since they lived in California all my life and I only ever saw them on holidays and not regularly at that. I still feel bad because my genetic grandpa never really got to know his grandkids and we never really got to know him either. I just feel that's such a loss on everyone's parts.

Although my one Grandpa's death was a huge blow to me, my cousin's death makes me equally sad if not more so. I was pretty close to this cousin. We were close in age, had some similarities, and got along really well. Family get-togethers were always fun because of her. We could relate to each other and we both understood the craziness that is our family. We weren't always close but I think that the months leading up to my wedding we were getting much closer. She seemed to be opening up more and enjoying some freedom that she'd seemed to restrain herself from before. I could count on her and I'd like to think that she felt the same about me. I hate that she's gone and while it's a little easier to deal with that fact now that some time has passed I still can't completely believe that I will never see her again. There will be no more holidays together or mother-daughter-cousin outings. I won't get to grow old with her. It's hard not to feel some blame even though everyone tells me it isn't my fault. A part of me knows this but another part of me still questions...had I not danced with her...is that what set her heart off? The doctors still aren't quite sure why she passed when she did. Though she had Turner's, she took care of herself and the doctors found her to be perfectly healthy. Nothing makes sense. I don't think I've ever screamed quite so much in my grief as when I found out she was gone. I remember shouting "Why would He let this happen?" and just saying "Nonono" over and over again.

Her being gone has led to so much pain for her family. No one is really dealing with it well. And how could they? Losing a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin...what could be harder than that?

My other aunt has her own troubles to deal with. More sickness, more hardship. Cancer sucks.

So has there been anything good this year? Yes, I've had some cause to celebrate. I've been to four weddings this year, one of them being my own. I've gained four sisters-in-law, a father-in-law, mother-in-law, grandparents-in-law, and the list goes on. And I'm happy for the recent birth of my nephew(-in-law). I've had some very good friends and some very good times with them.

And yet the bad seems to overwhelm the good, doesn't it?
How does one deal with all of this? My only way so far has been to rely on my family and my friends. My husband has given me so much support through it all. Without him I think I'd be in worse shape. With all of this my little family has just tried to get closer and rely on each other more and I'm thankful that I have them to rely on. Writing has helped also but as I've said, this is really the first I've been able to write about my cousin's death and I couldn't write a word of that without tears in my eyes.

I want to thank all who have been there for me and mine in all these troubling times. You know who you are.