Happiness & Grief

Perhaps this isn't the best place for writing about this. I haven't even written it in my scrap journal. Not really. But the thing is, my family is really struggling right now. There has been so much badness happening and I can't help but wonder why. It seems like everytime my family comes out of something bad and we begin to hope that next year will be better, surely next year can't hold worse things than this, that hope is crushed.

I've always believed that if you do good, and try to be the best person you can be, help others, be there for friends and family, and just try to stay positive that eventually goode things will come your way. That's what I've always always believed. I hate to say that my faith in that is shaken but with everything that's happened it just might be.

I guess the badness this year all started with my Grandfather's death. He meant so much to me and still does and always will. Him no longer being around is hard. Even now, though it's been about a year, I still pause and think, my god he's gone. My grandma's world has been turned upside down. She is so incredibly strong, and though I know she must be hurting and I know she misses him everyday more than I will ever know, I still find her to be amazing. With everything she has to go through, she is so amazingly strong. Grandpa always was too. He always gave big bear hugs and when we were little would pick us up all the time. It was hard seeing cancer make him weak and tired because that's never who he was.

Then my mom's health has been on the edge for over a year now. In and out of the hospital. And all the pain she has to deal with on a daily basis. It's a wonder how she does it all. She doesn't always stay positive but she's been more positive than she has in the past. I just feel like all this crap gets dumped on her lap--health, finances, too much. I want to do all I can for her and I try to help her out because I love her and I know it hasn't been easy for her. At the same time I feel guilty for times when I really would rather not arrange what I do around what she needs. I want to do what I want to do but I don't ever mean to make her feel like a burden when it all just comes creeping up on me. I worry about her a lot.

My other grandparents also died this year. Granted, I've never been that close to either of them since they lived in California all my life and I only ever saw them on holidays and not regularly at that. I still feel bad because my genetic grandpa never really got to know his grandkids and we never really got to know him either. I just feel that's such a loss on everyone's parts.

Although my one Grandpa's death was a huge blow to me, my cousin's death makes me equally sad if not more so. I was pretty close to this cousin. We were close in age, had some similarities, and got along really well. Family get-togethers were always fun because of her. We could relate to each other and we both understood the craziness that is our family. We weren't always close but I think that the months leading up to my wedding we were getting much closer. She seemed to be opening up more and enjoying some freedom that she'd seemed to restrain herself from before. I could count on her and I'd like to think that she felt the same about me. I hate that she's gone and while it's a little easier to deal with that fact now that some time has passed I still can't completely believe that I will never see her again. There will be no more holidays together or mother-daughter-cousin outings. I won't get to grow old with her. It's hard not to feel some blame even though everyone tells me it isn't my fault. A part of me knows this but another part of me still questions...had I not danced with her...is that what set her heart off? The doctors still aren't quite sure why she passed when she did. Though she had Turner's, she took care of herself and the doctors found her to be perfectly healthy. Nothing makes sense. I don't think I've ever screamed quite so much in my grief as when I found out she was gone. I remember shouting "Why would He let this happen?" and just saying "Nonono" over and over again.

Her being gone has led to so much pain for her family. No one is really dealing with it well. And how could they? Losing a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin...what could be harder than that?

My other aunt has her own troubles to deal with. More sickness, more hardship. Cancer sucks.

So has there been anything good this year? Yes, I've had some cause to celebrate. I've been to four weddings this year, one of them being my own. I've gained four sisters-in-law, a father-in-law, mother-in-law, grandparents-in-law, and the list goes on. And I'm happy for the recent birth of my nephew(-in-law). I've had some very good friends and some very good times with them.

And yet the bad seems to overwhelm the good, doesn't it?
How does one deal with all of this? My only way so far has been to rely on my family and my friends. My husband has given me so much support through it all. Without him I think I'd be in worse shape. With all of this my little family has just tried to get closer and rely on each other more and I'm thankful that I have them to rely on. Writing has helped also but as I've said, this is really the first I've been able to write about my cousin's death and I couldn't write a word of that without tears in my eyes.

I want to thank all who have been there for me and mine in all these troubling times. You know who you are.

What Can I Say?

Updates:

For the billionth time, the wedding planning is going fine. It's funny how when you're engaged, and your a woman, the one question nearly everyone asks you is "So...how's the wedding planning coming?" I'm not going to say "Oh just horrible!" even if it was (which it's not). Not too many people ask me but I do get this a lot at work. Sometimes I just don't have any updates. I'm not working on it 24/7 and neither is Dan. We have things moving at a good pace. The wedding is still some months off and we already have the wedding party minus a ring bearer, photographer, dj, cake plans all set, place for wedding booked & catered (still need to choose menu), plans for invites, flower plans set, ideas about table gifts, wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, and soon groom/groomsmen gear. Plus, someone to perform the ceremony (thank you Sam). So things are going well. The thing I'm most worried about really is what to do for a honeymoon.

Still on the search for a larger place to live. It's really REALLY needed. We have far too much stuff but I will NOT give up my books.

Frustrations with work but all stuff that I can't say on a public forum. Things I can deal with though and that is good...just very frustrating at times.

The one thing that I need to get my ass into gear on is writing. I have a 'writing partner' now (thank you thank you thank you) and have been sending a few things his way to take a look at and give his thoughts to, so now I just need to pick up where I left off, with chapter six I think. I don't know why it's so hard for me to sit down and pay attention to a story that I've been thinking about and thinking about every day. Probably because I'm afraid I'm not really that good at writing. I've put myself out there in the past and got limited success. I've let that discourage me when I know I shouldn't have. So now I'm missing out on the pleasure of writing. I want to get stuff out there but I don't want to fail. Makes me think I should just write for myself. But one of my goals in life is to publish just one book. I'd love to publish more but I'd feel like I reached my goal with just one. First is the writing of it...for whatever reason my big obstacle. Any tips on motivation?

That's all for now....I'll try to make the next post more interesting!

Lost Memories

Working where I do makes me realize how precious memories really are. It saddens me to know that some people, some unlucky many, will eventually lose them all. I see it nearly everyday and still can not even come close to comprehending what that must be like. We are creatures who (maybe not all of us) tend to live in the past no matter how much we may strive to live in the present. Everything we do is influenced by what has happened in our pasts, what we've experienced, what we've known. Imagine not being able to remember any or all of that. How would you even begin to comprehend who you are?

Not being able to remember a favorite holiday.
Not being able to remember your own wedding.
Not being able to remember what day your birthday is.
Not being able to remember if you have siblings.
Not being able to remember your spouse's name.
Not being able to remember the right words or any words at all.

How debilitating this is. A cruel twist of life. Having everything we've built our lives around, everything we've built who we are around, gone from your mind. What's even more cruel: knowing that there's something missing and yet not quite knowing what. Being aware that all is not right and not being able to do anything about it. I'd rather be blissfully ignorant, but you don't reach that stage too soon in many cases.

And yet, through all this, the wonderful people I get to work with and care for, can still have a sense of humor about things. One in particular said to me one day something to the extent of 'you have to have a sense of humor about life or you'll never get through it.' Then laughed and said 'that was pretty good, huh?'

I have to say on most days I see more smiles than tears. Not every day. But most days. I'm thankful for that.

The human spirit perseveres.




Listening to: The Decemberists "Cocoon" and "Grace Cathedral Hill"

Music I Live By

Eisley is one of the groups I'm really happy to have come upon, one way or another. Their album Room Noises has many songs I connect with. Combinations isn't bad either. They help me relax, unwind. I have to say one of my favorite songs they do is Brightly Wound because it reminds me of my childhood. I think of all the things me and my friends got into....one friend in particular who had just as big an imagination as I did. We could have fun with anything at all...take a couple boat oars and some haystacks and we were in heaven. Give us slimy murky salamanders in a pond any day of the week, not to mention frog hunting. We could pretend for hours at a time and not break a sweat. It came naturally. And we'd keep adding to all the plots and points to make our stories continually expand. Some of my happiest memories are those when I spend them at the farm. Of course I had other friends that I had a whole lot of fun with too but this one in particular...we just clicked. Our minds were on the same wavelength with everything we did. Some days I'd want to be a kid again just to spend one more afternoon with total freedom. No fear of rejection or of appearing silly. We were what we were and there was no changing that and no denying that--and no wanting to change or deny that.
Working where I do...where memories are often regarded as treasures--even the littlest detail--makes me fervently wish that I never forget these times. Slowly time erases things except for some key moments that never go away. I don't ever want to lose those key moments. It's hard enough to lose the details. I feel for these people who realize they can't remember what they used to. I feel for those who can't remember that they can't remember. It's such a savage thing. It robs you of part of yourself. And yet, in moments, that part can surface. I've seen it--or I'd like to think I have. There are glimmers, if you can catch them.
So, to return to the point, Eisley is one of those groups that help me think of where I've been and be content in that.