What I've been up to:
1. Work. This is a given.
2. Writing! Holy crap I'm proud of myself. I've made myself a goal and I'm trying very hard to keep to it. Three pages a day. Nearly 150 pages by May 1. That will bring me so much closer to finishing my book. No, I don't know when it will be done. I'll only know that when I'm done writing it. I am not one of those organized writers. I don't have all the chapters plotted out. I have ideas of where I want the story to go and some events that I want to happen and I just take it as it is. I go where the characters lead and work my stuff into their world. I am getting incredibly excited by where the story is going now and more excited where I think it will end up. I am currently writing chapter 16.
3. Music is my muse-ic. As ever. It relaxes. It inspires. It saddens. It cheers. But I'm starting to run my favorite songs down by listening to them too much.
4. My other blogger, the photo-a-day one is nearing its end. I'll soon be turning *gasp* 27...and my year of photos will be over. I'm thinking a year of haiku next. ;P
5. Finished re-reading Harry Potter a while ago. Started another series and have read 2/4 books. It's not bad. Also started Life of Pi and am picking up The Thirteenth Tale again after a long time of not reading it and stopping in the middle. Really wish I'd read it straight through because remembering the characters and plot has been slightly challenging.
6. Still trying to sort myself out. While I feel a lot better, internally I know that I haven't found a true balance between things yet. Money (namely not enough though I've heard too much also can be a hindrance) sucks.
So, that's it in a nutshell. Welcome Spring!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Music!
Sometimes, I want to live and breathe music. Not that I want to compose it; I've no talent for that. Nor even that I want to play it; though there are instruments I'd like to learn for fun. No. There's just a feeling I get when I'm listening to it, especially to certain songs or artists. Something inside just wants to get out, to move. I courses through me. I'll plug into my ipod and, for lack of a better coin of phrase, escape. I'm in my mind but I'm not. I'm in my body but I'm not. Almost like my soul, or some deeper part of me, beats in rhythm to whatever I'm listening to. Synchronized. It often evokes all sorts of emotions. I'll cry. I'll smile. I'll feel incredibly elated or determined or justified. Whatever emotion the song wants to pull out of me. Whatever emotion that I am most feeling that day can be found in almost any song. But it's the music that pulls it out. No matter what emotion, I always feel much more peaceful afterward. And inspired.
As I think back, music has always seemed to have this effect on me, whether it was good music or, what I now deem not-so-good music. Songs and bands I wouldn't listen to now, at one time evoked that peaceful feeling. I remember sitting in the family room of my old house, on the couch by the bay window and right in front of the pellet stove. I'd lay there with my CD Player (yes, an actual CD Player...made for playing one CD at a time!) and be in a different world. I'd visualize scenarios according to songs and have the characters and plot all worked out. I'd run it over and over in my head, though usually nothing would change much. It was addicting, these dreamscapes. Still is.
Right now I'm listening to a playlist I made for when I am working on my novel. It usually gets me in the mindset of writing that particular story, sometimes offering ideas for plot while other times sinking me into certain characters and the various things they have gone through or have yet to go through. Tonight it motivated me to write a blog.
I find it utterly amazing how music can have so much of an affect on us (I'm counting on my not being the only one to experience such things).
Some songs I'm in tune with:
'Atlantic' by Thrice
'Hide and Seek' by Imogene Heap
'Starlight' by Muse
Anyone out there have any songs that does this to them? Post a comment.
As I think back, music has always seemed to have this effect on me, whether it was good music or, what I now deem not-so-good music. Songs and bands I wouldn't listen to now, at one time evoked that peaceful feeling. I remember sitting in the family room of my old house, on the couch by the bay window and right in front of the pellet stove. I'd lay there with my CD Player (yes, an actual CD Player...made for playing one CD at a time!) and be in a different world. I'd visualize scenarios according to songs and have the characters and plot all worked out. I'd run it over and over in my head, though usually nothing would change much. It was addicting, these dreamscapes. Still is.
Right now I'm listening to a playlist I made for when I am working on my novel. It usually gets me in the mindset of writing that particular story, sometimes offering ideas for plot while other times sinking me into certain characters and the various things they have gone through or have yet to go through. Tonight it motivated me to write a blog.
I find it utterly amazing how music can have so much of an affect on us (I'm counting on my not being the only one to experience such things).
Some songs I'm in tune with:
'Atlantic' by Thrice
'Hide and Seek' by Imogene Heap
'Starlight' by Muse
Anyone out there have any songs that does this to them? Post a comment.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Been a while
This blog has been sadly ignored...guess I've been working on the other one so much I've forgotten about this one. Us wacky people with our more than 1 blogs. Wow...I just read that last sentence and it almost seems like I'm referring to myself as "us." Heh heh. No I don't have multiple personalities I'm just assuming there are other people out there who have more than one blog.
Anyway...
What am I currently doing in my life, you might ask? (And you might not but I'm going to tell you anyway). Let's see...
1. working. Do this a lot.
2. re-reading the Harry Potter series. I'm halfway through book 4 but I really just want to skip ahead to book 7 because I don't remember a lot of it. Oh well, I'll keep plugging at it.
3. attempting to eat healthier. This comes and goes. At least I've got my workday breakfast routine: yogurt, blueberries, and granola. With tea most mornings.
4. Listening to a lot of music. Okay...so I get on "music binges" some days when I get home from work and I completely lose myself in usually the same line up of songs, and I'll admit some of them are a little embarrassing to get caught up with but something about them hits me. I may post a list...sometime...
5. At times, continuing the ever-growing novel I'm writing. So I should be writing on this more but at least I'm doing it more than I did. I've reached 100 pages and I'm sure there's at least a couple hundred more to go. I'll get there. It's my goal to finish the book (well, rough draft) no later than June...so I can edit the shit out of it and hopefully start working on getting it published. Must have goals.
6. Trying to think more positively. This is a big one for me, actually. I've been in such a downward spiral completely dwelling on negative thoughts that it's affected me and brought out sides of myself that I don't find pleasing in the least. Time to brighten up the mind, lighten up the misery load, and make a better life happen. Negativity will just suck your soul out if you let it [as will other things =(].
So that's it. I'm 26 going on 27, I don't have a firm grasp on my life right now, but I'd like to think that I'm getting there. Slowly going the way of the turtle. Or perhaps snail? Which is slower?
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Happiness & Grief
Perhaps this isn't the best place for writing about this. I haven't even written it in my scrap journal. Not really. But the thing is, my family is really struggling right now. There has been so much badness happening and I can't help but wonder why. It seems like everytime my family comes out of something bad and we begin to hope that next year will be better, surely next year can't hold worse things than this, that hope is crushed.
I've always believed that if you do good, and try to be the best person you can be, help others, be there for friends and family, and just try to stay positive that eventually goode things will come your way. That's what I've always always believed. I hate to say that my faith in that is shaken but with everything that's happened it just might be.
I guess the badness this year all started with my Grandfather's death. He meant so much to me and still does and always will. Him no longer being around is hard. Even now, though it's been about a year, I still pause and think, my god he's gone. My grandma's world has been turned upside down. She is so incredibly strong, and though I know she must be hurting and I know she misses him everyday more than I will ever know, I still find her to be amazing. With everything she has to go through, she is so amazingly strong. Grandpa always was too. He always gave big bear hugs and when we were little would pick us up all the time. It was hard seeing cancer make him weak and tired because that's never who he was.
Then my mom's health has been on the edge for over a year now. In and out of the hospital. And all the pain she has to deal with on a daily basis. It's a wonder how she does it all. She doesn't always stay positive but she's been more positive than she has in the past. I just feel like all this crap gets dumped on her lap--health, finances, too much. I want to do all I can for her and I try to help her out because I love her and I know it hasn't been easy for her. At the same time I feel guilty for times when I really would rather not arrange what I do around what she needs. I want to do what I want to do but I don't ever mean to make her feel like a burden when it all just comes creeping up on me. I worry about her a lot.
My other grandparents also died this year. Granted, I've never been that close to either of them since they lived in California all my life and I only ever saw them on holidays and not regularly at that. I still feel bad because my genetic grandpa never really got to know his grandkids and we never really got to know him either. I just feel that's such a loss on everyone's parts.
Although my one Grandpa's death was a huge blow to me, my cousin's death makes me equally sad if not more so. I was pretty close to this cousin. We were close in age, had some similarities, and got along really well. Family get-togethers were always fun because of her. We could relate to each other and we both understood the craziness that is our family. We weren't always close but I think that the months leading up to my wedding we were getting much closer. She seemed to be opening up more and enjoying some freedom that she'd seemed to restrain herself from before. I could count on her and I'd like to think that she felt the same about me. I hate that she's gone and while it's a little easier to deal with that fact now that some time has passed I still can't completely believe that I will never see her again. There will be no more holidays together or mother-daughter-cousin outings. I won't get to grow old with her. It's hard not to feel some blame even though everyone tells me it isn't my fault. A part of me knows this but another part of me still questions...had I not danced with her...is that what set her heart off? The doctors still aren't quite sure why she passed when she did. Though she had Turner's, she took care of herself and the doctors found her to be perfectly healthy. Nothing makes sense. I don't think I've ever screamed quite so much in my grief as when I found out she was gone. I remember shouting "Why would He let this happen?" and just saying "Nonono" over and over again.
Her being gone has led to so much pain for her family. No one is really dealing with it well. And how could they? Losing a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin...what could be harder than that?
My other aunt has her own troubles to deal with. More sickness, more hardship. Cancer sucks.
So has there been anything good this year? Yes, I've had some cause to celebrate. I've been to four weddings this year, one of them being my own. I've gained four sisters-in-law, a father-in-law, mother-in-law, grandparents-in-law, and the list goes on. And I'm happy for the recent birth of my nephew(-in-law). I've had some very good friends and some very good times with them.
And yet the bad seems to overwhelm the good, doesn't it?
How does one deal with all of this? My only way so far has been to rely on my family and my friends. My husband has given me so much support through it all. Without him I think I'd be in worse shape. With all of this my little family has just tried to get closer and rely on each other more and I'm thankful that I have them to rely on. Writing has helped also but as I've said, this is really the first I've been able to write about my cousin's death and I couldn't write a word of that without tears in my eyes.
I want to thank all who have been there for me and mine in all these troubling times. You know who you are.
I've always believed that if you do good, and try to be the best person you can be, help others, be there for friends and family, and just try to stay positive that eventually goode things will come your way. That's what I've always always believed. I hate to say that my faith in that is shaken but with everything that's happened it just might be.
I guess the badness this year all started with my Grandfather's death. He meant so much to me and still does and always will. Him no longer being around is hard. Even now, though it's been about a year, I still pause and think, my god he's gone. My grandma's world has been turned upside down. She is so incredibly strong, and though I know she must be hurting and I know she misses him everyday more than I will ever know, I still find her to be amazing. With everything she has to go through, she is so amazingly strong. Grandpa always was too. He always gave big bear hugs and when we were little would pick us up all the time. It was hard seeing cancer make him weak and tired because that's never who he was.
Then my mom's health has been on the edge for over a year now. In and out of the hospital. And all the pain she has to deal with on a daily basis. It's a wonder how she does it all. She doesn't always stay positive but she's been more positive than she has in the past. I just feel like all this crap gets dumped on her lap--health, finances, too much. I want to do all I can for her and I try to help her out because I love her and I know it hasn't been easy for her. At the same time I feel guilty for times when I really would rather not arrange what I do around what she needs. I want to do what I want to do but I don't ever mean to make her feel like a burden when it all just comes creeping up on me. I worry about her a lot.
My other grandparents also died this year. Granted, I've never been that close to either of them since they lived in California all my life and I only ever saw them on holidays and not regularly at that. I still feel bad because my genetic grandpa never really got to know his grandkids and we never really got to know him either. I just feel that's such a loss on everyone's parts.
Although my one Grandpa's death was a huge blow to me, my cousin's death makes me equally sad if not more so. I was pretty close to this cousin. We were close in age, had some similarities, and got along really well. Family get-togethers were always fun because of her. We could relate to each other and we both understood the craziness that is our family. We weren't always close but I think that the months leading up to my wedding we were getting much closer. She seemed to be opening up more and enjoying some freedom that she'd seemed to restrain herself from before. I could count on her and I'd like to think that she felt the same about me. I hate that she's gone and while it's a little easier to deal with that fact now that some time has passed I still can't completely believe that I will never see her again. There will be no more holidays together or mother-daughter-cousin outings. I won't get to grow old with her. It's hard not to feel some blame even though everyone tells me it isn't my fault. A part of me knows this but another part of me still questions...had I not danced with her...is that what set her heart off? The doctors still aren't quite sure why she passed when she did. Though she had Turner's, she took care of herself and the doctors found her to be perfectly healthy. Nothing makes sense. I don't think I've ever screamed quite so much in my grief as when I found out she was gone. I remember shouting "Why would He let this happen?" and just saying "Nonono" over and over again.
Her being gone has led to so much pain for her family. No one is really dealing with it well. And how could they? Losing a daughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin...what could be harder than that?
My other aunt has her own troubles to deal with. More sickness, more hardship. Cancer sucks.
So has there been anything good this year? Yes, I've had some cause to celebrate. I've been to four weddings this year, one of them being my own. I've gained four sisters-in-law, a father-in-law, mother-in-law, grandparents-in-law, and the list goes on. And I'm happy for the recent birth of my nephew(-in-law). I've had some very good friends and some very good times with them.
And yet the bad seems to overwhelm the good, doesn't it?
How does one deal with all of this? My only way so far has been to rely on my family and my friends. My husband has given me so much support through it all. Without him I think I'd be in worse shape. With all of this my little family has just tried to get closer and rely on each other more and I'm thankful that I have them to rely on. Writing has helped also but as I've said, this is really the first I've been able to write about my cousin's death and I couldn't write a word of that without tears in my eyes.
I want to thank all who have been there for me and mine in all these troubling times. You know who you are.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
What Can I Say?
Updates:
For the billionth time, the wedding planning is going fine. It's funny how when you're engaged, and your a woman, the one question nearly everyone asks you is "So...how's the wedding planning coming?" I'm not going to say "Oh just horrible!" even if it was (which it's not). Not too many people ask me but I do get this a lot at work. Sometimes I just don't have any updates. I'm not working on it 24/7 and neither is Dan. We have things moving at a good pace. The wedding is still some months off and we already have the wedding party minus a ring bearer, photographer, dj, cake plans all set, place for wedding booked & catered (still need to choose menu), plans for invites, flower plans set, ideas about table gifts, wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, and soon groom/groomsmen gear. Plus, someone to perform the ceremony (thank you Sam). So things are going well. The thing I'm most worried about really is what to do for a honeymoon.
Still on the search for a larger place to live. It's really REALLY needed. We have far too much stuff but I will NOT give up my books.
Frustrations with work but all stuff that I can't say on a public forum. Things I can deal with though and that is good...just very frustrating at times.
The one thing that I need to get my ass into gear on is writing. I have a 'writing partner' now (thank you thank you thank you) and have been sending a few things his way to take a look at and give his thoughts to, so now I just need to pick up where I left off, with chapter six I think. I don't know why it's so hard for me to sit down and pay attention to a story that I've been thinking about and thinking about every day. Probably because I'm afraid I'm not really that good at writing. I've put myself out there in the past and got limited success. I've let that discourage me when I know I shouldn't have. So now I'm missing out on the pleasure of writing. I want to get stuff out there but I don't want to fail. Makes me think I should just write for myself. But one of my goals in life is to publish just one book. I'd love to publish more but I'd feel like I reached my goal with just one. First is the writing of it...for whatever reason my big obstacle. Any tips on motivation?
That's all for now....I'll try to make the next post more interesting!
For the billionth time, the wedding planning is going fine. It's funny how when you're engaged, and your a woman, the one question nearly everyone asks you is "So...how's the wedding planning coming?" I'm not going to say "Oh just horrible!" even if it was (which it's not). Not too many people ask me but I do get this a lot at work. Sometimes I just don't have any updates. I'm not working on it 24/7 and neither is Dan. We have things moving at a good pace. The wedding is still some months off and we already have the wedding party minus a ring bearer, photographer, dj, cake plans all set, place for wedding booked & catered (still need to choose menu), plans for invites, flower plans set, ideas about table gifts, wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, and soon groom/groomsmen gear. Plus, someone to perform the ceremony (thank you Sam). So things are going well. The thing I'm most worried about really is what to do for a honeymoon.
Still on the search for a larger place to live. It's really REALLY needed. We have far too much stuff but I will NOT give up my books.
Frustrations with work but all stuff that I can't say on a public forum. Things I can deal with though and that is good...just very frustrating at times.
The one thing that I need to get my ass into gear on is writing. I have a 'writing partner' now (thank you thank you thank you) and have been sending a few things his way to take a look at and give his thoughts to, so now I just need to pick up where I left off, with chapter six I think. I don't know why it's so hard for me to sit down and pay attention to a story that I've been thinking about and thinking about every day. Probably because I'm afraid I'm not really that good at writing. I've put myself out there in the past and got limited success. I've let that discourage me when I know I shouldn't have. So now I'm missing out on the pleasure of writing. I want to get stuff out there but I don't want to fail. Makes me think I should just write for myself. But one of my goals in life is to publish just one book. I'd love to publish more but I'd feel like I reached my goal with just one. First is the writing of it...for whatever reason my big obstacle. Any tips on motivation?
That's all for now....I'll try to make the next post more interesting!
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